A four letter word
by hilja
Summary: Lee Clearwater, the only male shapeshifter ever, in a pack run by his ex-girlfriend Samantha Uley. The were-girls keep checking Lee out making him feel like a piece of meat. Can he show Jacqueline Black that there is more to him than a hot body? AU
1. Chapter 1

**PROLOGUE**

My girlfriend Samantha Uley breaks up with me, and starts fucking my cousin Emil Young. How fucked up is that? Pretty majorly fucked up if you ask me! Emil had evidently forgotten every man's honor codex: _Bros before hoes_.

How could he do this to me? How could she?

What sucked even more was that Samantha wasn't just any girl, I was in love. L-O-V-E. And now being in love, that's a big thing to admit for a guy like me.

I'm Lee Clearwater, captain of the football team, a pretty popular guy at school (I'm not saying this to show off, this is just how it is, you know I have a lot of friends, people like my company, girls seem to think I'm something, I get good grades without having to study much, yeah, my life's pretty good if you asked me), and I'm not one to fall in love easily.

Samantha was and is every boys dream. She's the rose of La Push. Her looks?, you might ask. Let's just say she is hot, but not in the slutty kind of way, no she looks very natural, you know the girl next door kind of type. To top it off, she was a year older than me too, and she was cheer captain. Sure, it might sound like cliché, but I don't care. I loved watching her cheering me at the games and afterwards see her wrapped up in my jacket. She was mine and I loved to show it (some might claim that it was more like I was hers, like for instance my father, who thought I let Samantha rule our relationship).

We had been dating for three years, and that's a long time. I had kissed a couple of girls before her, but I never had a serious relationship prior to Samantha. Of course not, I was a freshman when we got together. She was my first real girlfriend. She was my first in a lot of senses. Like most importantly the first girl I had sex with, and it was great! I wasn't her first though, but I didn't care. She was perfect for me, I was perfect for her, we were perfect together. At least that's what I thought.

I watched all those lame TV-shows with her she liked without complaining (I've seen every episode of Sex and the city), took her shopping, took her out on well planned dates, you know a nice restaurant, a movie (and I chose films she liked, instead of going to the once that appealed me), a picnic on the beach, and so on. To be honest, Samantha was a bit high maintenance but she was so worth it, or at least that's what I thought. I talked a lot with my mom Harriette and asked her for advice, and her advice worked very well on Samantha. I didn't ask my dad, Sully, since his idea for the perfect date is probably sitting hidden in a bush with a rifle in your hand waiting for a moose to appear. He's your typical macho man, so talking about emotions isn't something he does. When he heard I was dating Samantha Uley he took my out hunting and then told me not to spend all my money on her, not to knock her up and then gave me like ten boxes of condoms and told me to buy new ones when I run out.

I asked her to marry me, because that's what she wanted to, she told me she wanted a nice engagement ring on her finger when she went to college. It suited me fine, because, let's be honest, I was a little worried what might happen when she went to U-dub and I still had a year left at the tribal high school. I had heard a lot of stories of college girls from one of my best friends Romulus Black (yes, that's his real name, apparently his mother Wilhelmina Back, or Billie as she likes to be called, had this thing for wolves and myths of wolves, thus naming his sons after the creators of Rome. She probably thought of herself as the wolf mother that fed two mythological boys here on our rez) had told me everything about his first year at college and of all the wild frat parties he went to and about the girls on these parties. His brother Remus had moved to Hawaii with some surfer chick, to Billies great dismay, but he could confirm all these stories of good girls going bad at college since he took some classes at a community college in Hawaii. I didn't want my Samantha to go crazy like that. I didn't mind if she wanted to go out with her girlfriends and party and whatever, I did trust her, just as long as she remembered that she had me back home and that ring would be a nice reminder, also telling other boys to back off.

Samantha got me to buy her not only a ring with a real diamond, but earrings and a matching bracelet to go with it as well. I swear that girl just ate money. Tthe things you do when your in love. All my savings and all the hours I worked at the gas station was spent on Samantha.

I made Samantha a traditional bracelet at first, carved a wolf and all, but she just laughed at it and told me it's a kid's bracelet and suggested that I would give it to my friends Romulus and Remus Black's little sister Jackie instead, which I did. That kind of hurt my feelings, her laughing at it like that, because I really put a lot of work into it, not to mention emotions. Of course I knew better than to show how it hurt.

Then this strange thing happened. First she disappeared for weeks without an explanation, then coming back hotter than ever, and I mean literally hotter in every sense of the word. Not only did her breast fill out and her ass get rounder and thighs get thicker (which seriously made me drool all over her, she didn't seem to mind though, actually she became pretty wild in bed after that), it felt like she was constantly running a fever too. She refused to go see a doctor. I said the name Dr Cullen and she got all insane, started shaking and shit. Her eyes went completely black, she seriously looked like she was possessed. Honestly it kind a scared me seeing her like that.

I had been worried sick when she was gone. I had looked everywhere, the entire rez was looking for her, and her father was crazy with worry. I'm a pretty good tracker, but there was no trace of her. I did find some of her clothes torn in the woods and that just nearly killed me. I thought the worst, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I searched day and night, I prayed, I even cried – hate to admit it – but what would you do if the love of your life disappeared and most likely was a victim of some heinous crime?! That's right you would go out of your mind too. I called police chief Charlene Swan so often that she was becoming my new best friend. Then Samantha just reappeared under my window one night – naked (under normal circumstances this would be such a turn on, but not when you think your girl has been through a nightmare it's not) - looking terrified. For me this of course confirmed that something terrible had happened to her, like she had been raped, but she wouldn't let me call Charlene Swan and laughed my concerns off saying it was not what I thought. I didn't know what to think since she wouldn't give any explanation either. These odd disappearings just kept happening. Suddenly she also became an honored member of the council, just like that, and started calling herself a protector. She decided not to go to college after all, not that I minded, since that would mean that I wouldn't have to worry about her finding someone else, but it was all very odd.

I thought we were getting back to normal, even though she kept secrets and kept disappearing at night, but I was happy to have her in my arms and in my bed every now and then, when she all of a sudden tells me that we are over. She gave me the classic _"It's not you, it's me"_- speech. Hate to admit it, but I begged, I plead. _What had I done wrong? What did she want me to do to fix it, I'll do anything. _She said there was nothing I could do and gave me no reasons, just acted really cold. I had to fight not to be weak and cry in front of her.

My dad Sully has always thought me that a real man is a fighter, so the next day I decided I wouldn't give up that easily. I forced my little sister Sandy to bake chocolate muffins since Samantha has a thing for them and then picked (yes I fucking _picked_) flowers for her before I walked over to her little house, the one that I saw myself living in together with her in a couple of years. I was going to talk with her, and show her that I, Lee Clearwater, was the guy for her. Let me just say, those muffins never made it inside, and those flowers were left to wither and die on her drive way, because who do you think I spy fucking her against the kitchen counter, if not my cousin, closer to me than any brother could be, Emil.

I went crazy! I was going to kill him, he was fucking MY girl!

I'm 6'5 and all muscle. Emil, he is just a little short of 6 feet and never done much sports (and I don't think captain of the chess club counts) so it was obvious he would get his ass kicked, if not Samantha had thrown herself in the middle. I could never hurt a woman, so I didn't get the chance to beat my dear cousin, that traitor, to pulp like he deserved.

After that I refused to speak with either of them, or listen to Emil's pathetic whiny apologies. He kept calling and sending me texts and trying to come up to me and explain. My mom Harriette she is such a softie so she thought I should try to forgive him. My mom siding with the traitor, that made me furious! At least my dad Sully understood, he told me no woman was worth loosing your self respect and pride over.

I did go an visit Emil when he got mauled by a bear a couple of weeks later. Half of his face was ripped off. I felt bad for him, but that's what happens when you go wandering around in the woods not being careful. I never would've been mauled, because ever since I've been little my father Sully has trained me to hunt, track and basic survival skills needed in the forest. Everyone knows that a bear only attacks to protect it's cubs. If you are stupid enough to get between a mother bear and it's cubs you can't run, but you have to lay still and play dead. Knowing Emil I guess he didn't have the balls to lay still as the bear mother got close, thus ending up with half his face scarred. Luckily Samantha was there to save him. She knows a thing or two about the woods and wildlife, since I've made my dad to take her along with us and teach her as well. Dad never liked Samantha much, but he let me take her along just as long as she didn't bother him.

After all of this drama I of course needed comfort. Finding a new girlfriend wasn't hard. Geraldine's a very quiet girl, but I chose her because she is Samantha's cousin. An eye for an eye, cousin for a cousin. You know what I mean. I hoped Samantha would be jealous and come begging me to take her back when she heard Geraldine talk about how amazing I was as a boyfriend.

I took Geraldine to the things I knew Samantha had loved, and I was very affectionate and everything, you know doing and saying the things girls like you to. That girl though didn't let me go further than to third base, but that's alright, I just wished we would've gone all the way so she could've told Samantha how good I was at pleasing her, you know, bring up good memories for Samantha so she would miss me and regret what she had lost.

Sometimes I wondered if Emil is better in bed than me. He couldn't be, could he? I knew exactly what Samantha liked, and I know for a fact that Emil just comes a lot smaller than me, if you know what I mean. I just didn't understand what Samantha saw in Emil. What did he have that I didn't?

Well, things were going pretty good with Geraldine, it wasn't love or anything like that, but she was a great distraction and good company.

Then all of a sudden Geraldine disappears too. She doesn't come to school for two weeks and her parents claims she has the flu, so I go over with chicken soup (I didn't cook it myself, but made my little sister Sandy cook it for me, but hey it's the thought that counts, and honestly how often does your boyfriend bring you chicken soup when you have the flu?), and her parents act all odd and refuse to let me in and then I see her walking out the woods in very little clothing together with Samantha. Needless to say, that was the last I saw of her, because she then joined Samantha's little club 'The protectors' and to top it off she got together with this geek Kyle who is in our class, who, I swear, she up until that day did not know the name of. How can she pick Kyle over me – Lee Clearwater? Girls are a mystery, who can understand them...

Pauline was my next diversion. She was a cheerleader too, known for her passionate hate of Samantha, based on years of rivalry. Pauline is a bitch, that's for sure, but she has herself a damn fine body. As so many of us I had wondered of it was all natural, all of her, but let me just say this. Nothing on Paul's body was the result of surgery, no it was all Mother Nature being good on that girl! And she put out, like I didn't even have to take her out on a date or anything. The drive through and then have a quickie in the back seat, that was good enough for her. Not that I'm complaining, but hey, that's not the kind of girl I'm looking to marry any time soon. In fact ever. But she was a looker and she was... well that's pretty much what she was, she never was known for her brain capacity or nice manners or anything else. She got into a lot of fights so it was tiering to always have to listen to her shouting about this or that on me or someone else. Truthfully I was a little relieved when she joined Samantha's club as well (although it came as a complete surprise since they used to hate each other) because this gave me a good reason to break up with her.

But what was it with this Protectors club? It pissed me off. Especially since everyone on the council (and yes my mom Harriette is on the council) were talking of Samantha like she was some kind of goddess. But there were of course those on the rez who thought they were up to no good, walking around half naked in the woods. There were rumors. Were they smuggling drugs? Had they joined an escort service?

Anyways after Pauline I was a little exhausted and took a short break from girls, but hey, I'm a popular guy and I don't do well being alone for a length of time so I started seriously considering another relationship. I was getting really tired of these needy girls and our rez isn't that large, I couldn't think of anyone in my year or even among the juniors to date. There isn't much to choose from in this area. The girls in Forks, like that Michaela Newton are these typical whiny girls that nobody in their right mind would want either.

So I widened my horizon a little. Some of the freshmen and sophomores at my school were pretty hot.

Jacqueline, Jackie Black, that is one gorgeous girl for you, but she is my best friends little sister, and three years my junior. Her being my friends little sister means that I can't look at her like that, but she sure is beautiful. You know, I've always had an eye on her, even before Samantha, but the Black twins are seriously overprotective (and they have practiced martial arts all their lives, and I'm not suicidal) and to top it off, their mom owns a shotgun and I swear to god she would use it too if she knew what I'm thinking of her little girl. So Jackie has always been pretty much of limits, which is a shame, because she is not only good looking, she is a lot of fun and adventurous too. She does sports (and not cheerleading, but real sports like volleyball, basketball and softball) and she likes cars (a hobby she has picked up from her brothers), she's an awesome hunter and fisher (I know, she has tagged along with her brothers and me when we have gone hunting), she is easy to talk to (I used to talk to her all the time when the twins still lived at home), she doesn't care much for shopping or other girlie stuff either. Actually she is pretty much the perfect girl for me, even more so than Samantha ever was. But she is so young, just a little too young still, and as I said my friends little sister. You don't lust after your friends baby sister, that's another rule I'm sure my cousin Emil never heard of, and even if he had, i bet he wouldn't honor it.

Jackie hangs in this girl trio that consists of her fine little self, Quillie (don't ask what kind of name that is, it's a family name) and Embrie (yeah, that's a name straight from some soap). Now Quillie, she's a lot of fun, but not much of a looker and she talks a little too much nothing for my taste. Embrie, is the other way around, she looks cute and has these beautiful eyes and sweet smile. She is really shy and never says more than two words to anyone, but that's a nice change with a girl who doesn't make your ears bleed with all kinds of nonsense and drama, and she is a year older than Jackie too, thus young but not too young. So I asked her out and she of course blushes furiously. It's very sweet, don't you think? Made me want to protect her and shit like that. So we went on this date and she's so fucking adorable that I don't even try anything more than hold her hand and give her a very tender and light good night kiss at the door. She acts like she is amazed that I asked her out, and that kind of makes me start to develop a little crush on her. She is like a little kitten, needing me to look after her. I like that! A lot!

But then the same thing happens as with every other girl I've ever dated. She had told me that she doesn't like Samantha at all, but all of the sudden, she gets the two week flu and afterwards she is running with Samantha's crowd, avoiding me at all costs. It's like I'm cursed or something, and Samantha's the devil trying to fuck up my life. Embrie's mom doesn't like what's happening to her daughter one bit either, because believe me I go and talk to her, trying to find out what happened to this shy little rosebud I took out the other Friday, and her mom is crying about how Embrie now sneaks out at night and probably does drugs or worse, is seeing boys in the woods at night, and I get so mad at Samantha for ruining sweet innocent girls like Embrie and making her mom cry.

Then I hear some even more disturbing news. A) Jackie is having a crush on Charlene's son Brian, who is my age and her mom Billie seems to support it. One look at this Brian character tells me he is so not right for her. The boy is obviously using her as rebound since his girlfriend Edwina Cullen dumped him. Apparently Brian went into some depression after this and now Jackie is trying to help him back on his feet. Everything about the boys appearance and acting screams suicidal emo. He is dressed in all black, is pale as chalk, talks about death all the time and does the most idiotic stunts, getting Jackie to do them too, and he seems completely disregard her feelings just leading her on. He listens to lame music and reads poetry and romance novels. I don't get what Jackie sees in him. B) I talk with Jackie about Embrie and she is worried and scared and hates Samantha for a lot of reasons (reasons she refused to tell me) and then all of a sudden she too joins Samantha's little gang and her mom Billie seems to think it's the best thing ever.

I of course called Remus and Romulus to update them on this Brian situation and her running around with Samantha. It got Romulus worried enough, so he decided that he will come home for the summer instead of going to Hawaii to visit Remus. That's good, he might talk some sense into her! And he certainly can make sure that Brian Swan knows to keep his hands off Jackie.

Quillie of course joined the Samantha club as well, bet he couldn't handle being without her friends even though I tried to tell her that she just had to stay strong and not fall for peer pressure. Little good did that do.

And this leads me to the situation at hand. I'm furious, furious at everything and everyone. I went to confront Samantha, she just brushed me off. Emil, that annoying little fucker (who now spends all his days cooking and cleaning and doing all kinds of handyman shit for Samantha) started to bitch and whine about us becoming friends again (like that would ever happen) and tried to invite me for this poker game night with him and Kyle. Then I go home to blow off some steam and my mom starts defending Samantha, talking about all the wonderful things she is doing for the rez, but is unable to name one good thing she has done, well except getting that drug dealer off the rez. To top it off Sandy is annoying the hell out of me, begging me to take her to the mall and hang out with her since Jackie, Embrie and Quille never want to hang out with her anymore, and next starts complaining that it was my turn to do the dishes and then I just explode. I mean literally explode. I feel the most excruciating pain in my life and all of a sudden I am a gigantic beast and I hear fucking voices in my head and my little sister starts to shake too and soon she is a furry motherfucking wolf too. My mother clutches her chest and collapses and everything is so totally fucked up.

Turns out all the legends of our tribe are true. And turns out I'm not just a freak, I'm the freak among the freaks, since I'm the only male shape shifter known in the history of our tribe. My mother dies of the shock of me turning into a protector when everyone except my wolf genes seem to know that it's the duty of the women of the tribe to be wolf warriors, not the men, making me my mothers murderer. How's that for reasons to become depressed and suicidal? But I don't turn emo like that idiot Brian who it turns out wishes to be turned into a vampire (guess that's no much of a surprise he wants something like that), no I become this raging angry bull – pardon me – wolf. To make matters worse, my ex Samantha Uley is the Alpha of the pack and she can hear all of my thoughts and I have to listen to her thoughts about how awesome her imprint (yes, got to hate that word!) Emil is, how he gives her multiple orgasms and makes her feel a love she never felt with me, although sometimes I catch her thinking of me too, missing my body, my kisses, my way of moving and touching and shit, but not missing me as a person – and let me say that sucks even more.

Since I'm constantly furious I keep exploding out of my clothes pretty much all the time thinking about all the crap in my life. Did you think that teenage boys are the ones with dirty minds? Let me tell you this, the mind of a teenage boy is nothing, nothing compared to the minds of a bunch of hormonal female werewolves.

Seems I'm not much fun to be around according to the girls, but that doesn't stop them from looking at me in a certain way or certain parts of my body when I accidentally phase (which happens all the time). Then they go around and think about this in their wolf forms, not even bothering to hiding their thoughts, just laughing at me when I get upset. Only time when they don't do this is when my sister Sandy is phased too. What does this tell you? That's right, they take her feelings into account, not mine. Why can't they see that I'm a real person with emotions, I'm not just a hot body with an eight pack, no scratch that, a ten-pack. Why can't anyone see that?! I'm not a fucking piece of meat. I have feelings too!

My life seriously sucks!

_

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**AN: So I was tired after wading in snow all day (I seriously have to emigrate somewhere without any winter, believe me a white Christmas is SOOOOO overrated) and now I have decided to not leave my house until the weather changes or the sun reappears, which is going to be some time in March probably. So wallowing in my "I hate winter"-depression I got this idea. What do you think? Is it worth continuing?**

**Disclaimer: don't own any characters.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1: JUST A BODY**

Brian Swan this, Brian Swan that. Is that all Jackie can think about?

What's so great about him?

Seems to me he has made his pick. Why run around crushing after him when the boy obviously is a pathetic self destructive little whiner, who crazily enough has chosen that stuck up rich leech Edwina Cullen - the reason for why my life is fucked up - over Jackie.

Why a normal healthy male would choose a corpse over the warm, soft and very inviting flesh of Jackie Black one can never understand.

Did I say _normal_? Did I say _healthy_?

Brian being evidently a fool is something I have often thought phased, but do you think any of the girls listens to me? Of course not! Samantha actually has threatened to alpha command me if I don't stop thinking ill of poor little Brian.

Poor little Brian who goes cliff jumping in a storm so Jackie has to save him. Poor little Brian who crashes with his dirt bike because he can't make a simple turn, again Jackie having to carry (yes CARRY! Have you ever heard of a girl having to carry a male to the hospital?! Of course not, because that should never happen. And it wasn't like Brian was unconscious or anything either..). Poor little Brian who can't walk down to the beach without falling flat on his face, again having to be led by Jackie so he can safely sit down by the bonfire.

"_Try to be a little nicer Lee, it wouldn't hurt you know..." _

"_Fuck you Samantha! Wait I already did that!" _

"_Now, that's very immature of you Lee. Stop acting like a little boy and grow up already. Just because I have found someone better doesn't mean that you have to act like an immature baby I'm just saying that if you can't think anything nice of Brian then don't think of him at all. Nobody wants your opinion on the topic of Jackie's love life. I think seven females know how to handle and analyze it correctly without your input." _

I phase out because I honestly do not want to hear anymore only to find myself yet again in the middle of the forest without any clothes since I, unlike the girls, hadn't had time to undress and tie my shorts to my ankle, before my anger led me to accidentally phasing.

According to Samantha it's my high level of testosterone that makes me so prone to accidental phasing. Believe me I have heard her very long and tiering, not to mention aggravating, line of reasoning of why males naturally don't make good shape shifters since they apparently can't control their tempers and hence phasing anywhere near as well as females. Thus making males unfit for being wolves, and then _YET AGAIN _she started speculating over how it at all was possible that _I _had turned into a wolf when I so clearly was totally unsuitable.

The only luck I seemed to have today was that I had managed to phase out before B_rian, Brian, Brian, he is so cute when he trips and falls, he is so nice when he cooks for me_, _isn't he dreamy? _started to shuffle on repeat in my head.

Fuming I start to walk back towards my house and then girls voices carry out to my ears from a clearing just ahead of me, and for some reason - don't ask me why - I stop and listen.

Well I do know why I stop. Let me make a confession, hearing my name and Jackie's voice, that is a very good reason to stop and listen. She has a great voice you know, not shrill and high pitched like most girls but a low alto that's a little hoarse. Very sexy if you ask me.

"Lee has such a hot body. " That's Quillie. Turning into a wolf has done wonders on my body, and I was in good shape prior the shift too. I hope Jackie likes it, because I sure as hell like her body. Although I honestly don't care what her body looks like, since I like her personality the most.

"Yeah, but he acts like a jerk all the time. Brian never acts like that. He doesn't get temper tantrums and he talks about his feelings." Jackie says.

Say what?! I'm a jerk?! Since when? I've never been a jerk to Jackie. Sure I tease her a bit, just like I've always done, but that's what you do with your friends little sister. Besides she always loved me teasing her, didn't she?

And what is this crap about Brian talking about his feelings? Tell me, is it talking about your feelings to whine about how you are broken and need to be fixed, and then when you feel better you ditch that person who helped you only to go back to the one who broke you in the first place?

How the hell can she prefer Brian's suicidal self over me? Brian's like a fucking drug addict, always needing a fix. His number one drug seems to be the bloodsucker, but when that supply ran dry he started on some Jackie-make-me-feel-better drug. I've heard him talk about how he needs Jackie in his life through her memories, how he just don't leave her alone although he already has gone back to the leech. I don't get how she fails to see that he is just using her, that him needing her is selfish. He takes and takes and takes, not once has he given Jackie anything. Why can't she see that she is his back-up girl? And how the hell can he think he can use Jackie as a back-up girl?!

Jackie does not deserve to be treated like that! No girl does! She deserves to be in the center of attention, instead of pushed aside into some dusty corner. If she was mine I would treat her like a queen!

I hate Brian Swan, God I wish he was turned into a vampire soon and tried to sink his teeth in the flesh of a human, then I would have a reason to rip that idiot to pieces! Now I can't do anything because for some idiotic reason we are to protect Brian Swan from vicious revengeful vampires.

"I bet Lee doesn't even have feelings, he is all body." Quillie continues interrupting my inner hating of Brian Swan.

I feel a shiver running up my spine at her words and have to take deep breaths to steady myself. I don't have feelings?! What the fuck is wrong with these girls? Am I just a piece of meat to them?! If I don't have feelings what the hell is it that hurts hearing this?!

"But what a body! He looks yummy!" Quillie carries on sounding excited. "I would let him be my first, I mean, I would if we all didn't know what a man-whore he is, he's like fucked half the pack..."

Wait?! WHAT? Half – half the pack?! To my knowledge two people out of eight doesn't equal 50%, but I guess math isn't Quillie forte. Besides I only have had sex with said two people my entire miserable 19 year life, which in no way can qualify me for the title of man-whore!

Or am I a man-whore by association since I unfortunately fucked Pauline, a girl who takes great pride in the fact that she has been with more than half the rez and neighboring towns too? God, don't I regret ever touching her...

"Lee is such a guy, only in it for the sex! Brian, on the other hand, told me he wants to wait for his wedding night before he has sex. Isn't that romantic? I hope that night is with me!" I hear Jackie saying.

H..how can she think of me like this? How can she want Brian to be her first?

The disturbing image of Brian touching her like that makes me shake uncontrollably.

Just when I'm about to explode, I hear Embrie's soft whisper. That's enough to at least temporarily calm me somewhat. I don't want to scare my little kitten-girl by exploding in to an angry viciously snarling wolf – not that it would scare any of the others, hell it probably wouldn't scare Embrie either come to think of it.

"Lee isn't like that. He was very sweet on the date, he didn't try anything and he was a gentleman all the time."

"Awe, look who has herself a little crush. How cute..." Pauline, ever the sarcastic bitch, joins in laughing evilly at my little kitten, probably making poor Embrie blush and feel ridiculed. "You know, go out with him again Embrie. He does this amazing thing with his tongue! You should try that, in fact I think I will ask him to tongue-fuck me after the next pack meeting, you could ask him too. I bet he's up for it."

That's it! I explode.

I'm not a fucking cheap prostitute, here to please them whenever they want it.

God dammit! Since they are girls I can't even go after them and make them take their words back.

"_Aw lil Lee, not in a good mood? Don't worry baby, I know how to make you feel better..." _Fucking Pauline, why the hell did she have to phase too? I swear her sole mission in life must be to torment me. Can't they all just leave me the fuck alone?!

I let her catch a nice little fantasy of how I'll sink my teeth into her neck and make her take back her words once and for all.

"_I like it rough Lee, you can dominate me anytime. I kind of would like to try sex as a wolf. I bet it's hot! Just say the word Lee, I'm all yours." _

I think I just might puke in my mouth as Pauline starts to replay some sick twisted fantasy of hers involving me going at it as wolves. God dammit! I do not need this. I don't ever ever want to touch Pauline again and I don't want to see what goes on in that sick twisted mind of hers, especially not if it involves me.

I swear to God girls are just evil vicious creatures, masters of fucked up mind games that no man has ever learned to play.

Did I say girls? I mean bitches. Let's face it. They are nothing but a bunch of bitches.

"_Lee, don't you know that female wolves are technically bitches?"_ Pauline just doesn't know how to stop. _"I'm a bitch and I'm proud! But you my friend, you're our little boy toy, aren't you?" _

"_Knock it off both of you."_ That's an alpha command for you. Go figures Samantha tells us _BOTH _to shut it, but don't reprimand Pauline or any of the girls for sexually harassing me.

Girls are always siding with each other!

Bet they would tear up heaven and earth if it was the other way around, and they were the only girls in a pack of males.

I'm sure if we lived in an alternative universe with reversed roles, and there was only one female werewolf, she would be treated like a Goddess, because boys have learned from an early age that girls should be treated like princesses, whereas girls apparently have learned that guys should be treated like crap all the time. Us men are clearly much fairer and juster than girls, because I just know that if it was the other way around, a pack of males would treat the odd man (woman, whatever) out much better than these hyenas I'm forced to run with.

Did I say that my life sucks. It sucks!

* * *

**AN: Poor Lee, things will get much worse for him too...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Circles of hell**

In school we were forced to read parts of Dante's 'Divine comedy'. All I can remember from it was that there were nine circles of hell that the main charachter had to travel through. Man, let me tell you,he had it easy! I know, since never were there any weregirls that he had to face off in his travels through hell.

I have dreaded this pack meeting the entire week and sure enough the first thing I have to face is Emil smiling dumbly at me when I enter, starting to kiss my ass like the fool he is, trying to engage me in talk of a number of topics that he thinks would interest me: Guitar hero, sports, even girls. Like I would want to talk about girls with him! In fact I don't want to talk to him about anything, except if it is about setting a date and place for when I can kick his ass.

My rudely grunted replies and silences don't seem to send him the message quickly enough. Idiot! So I give him the look of death, the one that says, 'meet me in the woods so I can kill you'. He starts stuttering, apologizing and quickly scurries to hide behind Samantha, using her as his shield. Pussy!

Samantha of course senses her imprints unease and misery and starts lecturing me about my immature childish ways.

"Why can't you just bury the hatchet already. We've forgiven you for attacking Emil. So now you have to accept that I and Emil are a couple, we are soulmates. You can't go around dreaming of me anymore!" _They_ had forgiven _me_?! Excuse me?! I am dreaming of _her_?! Fuck you bitch!

I try to walk away so I won't explode and she all but orders me into the kitchen to help Kyle and Emil, so I can hang out with _"..the guys, because I must miss being in male company." _

That I do, miss male company that is, since Samantha has forbidden me from continuing with any of my sport activities, due to the suspicions my speed and strength would raise. Dropping out of my football team has made me become a questionable character among the guys I usually hang out with. My constant patrols keep me from parties and other social activities too. I am becoming a loner with alarming speed, but that doesn't mean that I want to start to hang out with Kyle or Emil or start cooking! Even if the two pathetic excuses for the male specimen love playing the parts of housewives switching recipes and watching their girls eat, doesn't mean that I do. I'm not a fucking maid! I do not cook. I barbecue and sure, I do know how to cook a mean pasta, but that is only, only for a girl worthy of it . Like Jackie. I would love making my pasta for Jackie! And I would cook for my sister, but that's where I draw the line. I made the mistake to cook for Samantha when we dated, but never will I ever cook for her again. Ever!

Thinking about Jackie I stalk into the living room in hopes of having my spirits lifted by her intoxicating presence, and her radiating smile, only to realize that having to hear her talk about Brian fucking Swan is another of the circles of hell.

"Edwina is so not right for Brian. Charlene loves me and it's obvious she doesn't like Edwina. I know Brian's close to his mom, so that's gotta be a good thing right?" Jackie asks, and of course the girls agree. I consider telling Jackie that Billie likes me a hell of a lot better than Brian Swan, but manage to bite my tongue.

"That bitch Edwina just keeps on controlling Brian and guilt tripping him about seeing me! Why can't he see that I would be so much better for him!"

We all have heard how Edwina controls every move Brian makes, that she even trampled with his car so she couldn't go and visit Jackie and stuff like that. Now that's psychotic if you ask me, but apparently this Brian thinks it's endearing. He is one fucked up idiot.

"You know what Brian called me the other day?! He said I was his _sun_!" Jackie beams.

I grit my teeth. I bet that sleazy calculating bastard is just saying that to keep Jackie hanging on. He's such a manipulating little fucker. If it wasn't for his mom, Charlene, and the fact that I like her, and her being a great friend of my family, I would've rearranged Brian's face a long time ago. I just don't get how Charlene could have such a failure weakling as a son. I know Charlene has a backbone, even though she is a little reserved and quiet, and good morals too, so I don't understand where Brian has learned it's okay to use other people. I've never met his dad, Rainer, but from what I've heard he is pretty far out there, some kind of a manic depressive hippie. I do feel sorry for Brian having to had take care of his dad during his childhood, but does this mean that he has to be such a dick? Brian's fucked up childhood is no excuse for him to be taking advantage of my Jackie! Jackie could be _my_ sun, my moon, my stars, my earth! Hell, she might just be my whole universe if she would let me love her. The minute Brian hurts her I'm gonna kill him and the I will be there and comfort her and show her that she can always trust me, that I can be the shoulder she can cry on.

"I'm thinking about just walking up to Brian and kissing him!" Jackie says and that has the girls squealing about it being a good idea. Good idea?! It's the fucking worst idea I have ever heard of!

I can't stand listening to her talking about kissing that fucking egotistical wimp. I storm into the kitchen to get myself a much needed beer, only to witness Kyle and Geraldine go all lovey dovey, and make goo goo eyes at each other. Makes me want to barf.

"Who's my big bad wolf?" Kyle coos and I swear I have to fight to keep the contents of my stomach from being spray painted all over Emil's and Samantha's kitchen walls and floor. Not that I would care, if I didn't know for a fact that Samantha would alpha command me into cleaning up after myself and probably force me to repaint too.

Geraldine growls playfully in response and twitters back, "Kyle, you are my little red riding hood... Oh yes you are, yes you are." and I swear I just went blind from seeing her groping Kyle and grinding against him like a dog in heat. I swallow bile as I try to make my escape, but unfortunately not swift enough since I have to witness them starting to make out worse than horny fourteen year olds, sucking each others faces like there is no tomorrow. Revolting! It's all such a turn off, that I seriously consider becoming a monk.

The beer isn't doing me any good anymore, I need something stronger and I need it now!

Of course, since I'm spiraling downwards through the circles of hell Quillie prevents me from getting shit faced drunk. I raided the liqueur cabinet when no one saw, and have started downing the bottle of whiskey I distinctly recognize as the one I got from my football team when I told them I was engaged to Samantha. It's mine, so I am in my full right to drink it. There is a hell of a lot of booze in the cabinet that is mine.

"Sweet! You raided the liqueur stash!" Quillie shouts, s_houts!_, alerting Samantha. Resulting in her coming to chastise me. "Gimme a taste!" Quillie begs.

"Goddammit Lee! What is wrong with you? We are having a nice dinner party and you always have to make a scene. Now you are trying to make Quillie drunk! She's just sixteen Lee, it's so not cool to try to get a young girl drunk and plan to take advantage of her." Samantha starts her lecture as she takes in the scene, me half lying on the back porch with Quillie seated by my side, trying to reach for the bottle.

What the fuck!? I am not planning on getting anyone else drunk except myself, and sure as hell don't "plan on taking advantage" of Quillie. If someone is being taken advantage off, it's me!

"Don't give me that look, Lee. You have to get over me and understand that I have moved on. Sitting here drinking and being bitter is not going to cut it!" Samantha continues in her condescending tone. Man, I DO NOT WANT HER BACK. EVER! She's so fucking full of herself she can't see that I don't want her anymore. Nobody want her but my deluded voodoo affected cousin. How the hell could I think of her as my dreamgirl? I must have been crazy.

"Sitting here wallowing in self-pity and drinking the liqueur I have been saving for mine and Emil's engagement party is such juvenile behavior. I expected better from you Lee, I really did, but you just keep on disappointing me and everybody else."

My alcohol fumed brain goes into overload, if it was a computer hard disk it would've crashed. I'm a _disappointment_ to _her_? How the fuck dare she! _Engagement_?! She and Emil are engaged? They were going to use _my booze_ at their engagement party?! That cheap son of a bitch Emil couldn't consider getting a job and buying his own booze? He can't stop himself, can he!? Got to take everything that is mine?! Fuck you Emil!

"OH MY GOD! ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?!!!" Quillie starts squealing and hooraying loud enough for every weregirl to hear.

"Show us your ring Samantha!" Geraldine begs as she rushes to join us, tailed by the others who all are squealing and – fuck me – fangirling like crazy. If this isn't hell I don't know what is!

Man, you all have to believe me when I tell you that I try my hardest not to look at that god dammed ring.

"Is it a real diamond?" Pauline asks, and I swear I can see the dollar signs flashing in her eyes.

"Of course. I had it remade from some other jewelry I had lying around." That's when I look at the ring Samantha is wearing in a long chain around her neck.

Motherfucking son of a bitch! That cheap motherfucker to a cousin I have, hasn't even bought her a new ring. This is the same fucking ring I proposed to Samantha with. Sure it's been redone, but I recognize that stone anywhere!

"It's real pretty!" Sandy shrills, but looks anxiously at me with sad eyes. Sandy recognizes it too. For once I wish I had a violent and aggressive sister who would, maybe, I dunno, slap Samantha in the face and call her all those things I want to say to her, but haven't since my mom has stressed the importance of never ever saying certain things to a girl, no matter what. Words like _whore, slut or two-timing bitch. _

I'm shaking so badly I think the entire wood porch quivers under my rocking.

"For the love of god Lee! Get a grip of yourself. You have to accept this, I'm getting married, you can't have me anymore. The sooner you realize this the better for _all _of us." Samantha glares at me.

"After you calmed down you can come inside, because there is something Emil wants to ask you. If the porch brakes, you are rebuilding it!"

Most of all I want to explode out of my skin, but I don't want to give Samantha the satisfaction of seeing me being affected by her "wonderful" news. After a couple, well truthfully more like millions of deep breaths and thoughts of mauling the other side of Emil's face and Samantha having to watch Emil cheating on her with someone else, I find strength enough to calm down and go and find my traitor cousin.

Wouldn't you know it, finding him leads me to – what is the number now? - the sixth circle of hell. Emil's face glows with what I guess is joy of being engaged to Samantha, the alpha _bitch_.

"Lee, bro, I'm sorry for how things went down and you finding out like this. I tried to tell you earlier but you didn't give me the chance." _Bro_?! He is calling me _bro_? I rather think about ways of killing myself than have to listen to this. Like stabbing your brother in the back is something I could just forgive and forget, just like that. Any other guy would know that _after _he dumps the bitch that has gotten in our way and I have thrown a couple of punches at him, we could start being _bros _again, but Emil has made no effort of dumping Samantha to my knowledge, no he stelas my girl, my booze and my ring.

"Have a muffin! I've saved these just for you, chocolate, it's this new recipe I tried out. Samantha loves them." Now he is trying to butter me up in the _worst _possible way. No way I'm touching them. Never in my wildest nightmares did I dream that Emil would end up as the Muffin man and now here I am to behold the horrific sight of my own kin stooping this low! Oh god! I just realized that I indeed _know _the muffin man. How is that for evidence of me being in _HELL_!

"Lee, I wish you want to be my best man!" Emil pleas looking like he wants to cry. That girlfriend stealing backstabbing son of a bitch wants me to be his best man! Fuck that! Fuck this, all of this!

Could go berserk, could phase and rip the motherfucker's head off, but I treat him much better than he deserves. Instead I manage to fling myself out the door before I actually kill him. That brings me to meet the worst of all she-devils. Pauline. The nail in the coffin of my existence as a healthy virile young man.

You'll see.

I am storming off tearing my t-shirt over my head in the process and as I reach the tree-line I start unbuckling my belt. But wouldn't you know as I am to pull my pants down I hear a low growl. I freeze.

"Lee. No need to hide yourself. Go ahead. Drop the pants." She purrs and I feel sick to my stomach.

What the fuck is she doing here?

She steps out of the trees and starts ravage my body with her eyes. Now prior to this shit in my life I might have thought it's very sexy for a girl to growl and purr and make animalistic noises coming out of the woods with the intention of fucking my brains out, but hearing Pauline's growls and innuendos is not sexy! It's repulsing.

"I've been waiting for you Lee, I knew you would need some stress relieving after hearing about the engagement. I'm at your disposal" she says as she would have sensed my question, dropping her gaze to my groin, licking her lips.

I feel naked and dirty, mentally swearing for having taken my t-shirt off as Pauline steps closer and grabs a hold of my biceps, trying to press herself against me.

"Baby, let me help you with these pants and any other problem you might have..." She drawls suggestively, trailing her other hand down my abs.

Shit!

Pauline's advances does not have the effect one might expect. In fact Pauline's touch works more like a cold shower, or having ice dropped in your boxers.

"Get you hands off me woman!" I snarl as I step backwards trying to shake her grip off of me. The girl clings to me like a squid. How the hell did she get this strong?

"Aw baby, don't be scared of Pauline, Pauline's gonna take care of little Lee." She murmurs in a sickening way now starting to rubbing my length.

_Do not touch me crazy sex-maniac! Taha Aki, please save me! _

In any other situation I would say that a real man is one to never back down, and stay and make his point come cross, but meeting this evil witch I do the only sensible thing. I shove her of of me and run! Who in their right mind wouldn't?

"Baby, why are you running away? Are you scared of Pauline? Don't be scared, Lee. I'll bring out the animal in you!" She guffaws after me.

Fuck! My life is seriously fucked up! First I'm tormented by my cold-hearted bitch for an ex-girlfriend and my backstabbing cousin, then sexually assaulted by a sexcrazed wolf throwing herself at me like she is in heat.

I feel so distressed I think I actually might break down. Of course we all know what kind of relief washes stress away, in that way I would say Pauline was right, but that hell-wolf, is just adding to my emotional distress.

Shower, now that's a place where I can do two things at once. Firstly, to wash the filth from Pauline's stare away. Secondly, to find much needed release from the awfulness of my life. Let me just say that conditioner can be used in many ways, as we all know.

I close my eyes and start to think of a luscious blond, you know a playboy bunny-type, someone who is the _total opposite _of the hell-hounds I'm forced to associate with.

_The hot blonde with the very impressive rack and perfectly round ass, not to mention the smooth and long legs steps in with me in the shower. 'Lee', she murmurs. 'You are so big. I have never seen anyone as big as you.' as she trails her hand over my length._

I stroke myself in a steady rhythm, but...nothing! Nothing?!

I freak!

Who wouldn't?! But I immediately think of a remedy.

_The luscious blonde is now joined by another hottie, a brunette, actually it's Megan Fox who joins us in the shower. 'Lee, now let me help you out' she says as she guides my hands to massage her wonderfully perky breasts as the blonde is taking me fully in her mouth._

Still nothing! Oh my god! I'm freaking out here! Now I have emptied the entire bottle of conditioner in my hand and stroke myself furiously.

_Megan Fox moans my name and I kiss her down her neck._

_'Baby, Pauline's here to help you out. Pauline's here to fuck you like an animal!"_

I think I actually let out a scream. WHAT THE FUCK!!?

Never ever have I experienced such sheer horror as having my mind invaded by the sexcrazed she-wolf. Not only is my body uncooperative, my brain makes it a hell of a lot worse.

Every time I close my eyes my head fills with images of Pauline, a predatory look in her eyes. Oh god, I thought I experienced hell before, but this is _HELL! I'm fucked!_

Since I no longer can trust my mind I have to resolve to pictures. Romulus and Remus Black had themselves an impressive stash of a certain type of magazines that they hid in their tool shed. So I rush there and bring them home, luckily without meeting anyone. Luckily the entire stash is untouched and safe.

A picture always does wonders for the imagination. Or so I had believed up until this moment! Nothing happens! _NOTHING! NOTHING!_

Little Lee does not work! The were-girls have killed him!

Taha Aki, what have I done to deserve a fate like this!!? Why, _why_, _WHY_ does the gods hate me?! Why does fate hate me? What have I done wrong?

OH MY GOD! I am impotent! _I'M IMPOTENT! I AM IMPOTENT!_

Jackie will never want me now! No-one will ever want me!

I'm a nineteen year old impotent werewolf. I'm a genetic dead end. My little soldiers are not good for any one. I have no prospects for the future anymore.

I might as well kill myself!

I'm fucked! _FUCKED!_

* * *

**AN: It's going to get worse for poor Lee, because as we all know the pack is going to find out, oh yes they will!**


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 3: TRUE HELL**

To say that I'm on the point of hysteric when I think about having to phase and share my mind with the wicked weregirls is an understatement. How the hell will I be able to _NOT_ think of this?!!! Please Lord, please, help me hide my thoughts!

I will never live it down if the weregirls find out! I will be ridiculed and mocked to no end. I bet the evil girls will gossip about it. Girls always gossip. There is even a show about how much girls gossip called the Gossip girl. I know since Samantha used to force me to watch it. I will end up the laughingstock of La Push. Fuck, they will probably make sure that everyone in the entire state of Washington will find out that I'm not just a freak, but also a failure as a man. I'm as good as dead!

_Why? _Why have the most important part of my body failed me?

_Why Lee jr? Why did you do this to me?!_

Don't think I just gave up after the first tries. Of course not! I'm not a quitter. I tried... and tried and tried and tried every chance I got, spending a lot of time in the shower or in my bedroom with the door locked. I tried to the point where my sister started to wonder where all her skincare products vanished, why we kept on running out on cooking oil and my dad started wondering where the animal grease he uses to smear his rifles and our canoe with disappeared. Let me just say that despite all of these great lubricants _nothing_ worked! Was it not for werewolf healing I think my hand and arm might have been seriously inflamed and my skin would've been raw.

The thing was that every time I closed my eyes trying to picture beautifully curved smooth skinned honeys, my mind was invaded by snarling and growling sexcrazed she-wolves, looking at me hungrily, like I was their favorite Burger king meal.

_I bet you taste so good. Come her baby, let me help you with your little problem. I would love to Lee be my first. Stop lusting after me, I'm with Emil now. He's such a jerk. He looks yummy. He's only in it for the sex. I will ask Emil to tongue-fuck me, you should do that too._

These and similar phrases kept popping in my head, over and over again, making me completely limp.

Real men don't cry, but this sure had me in tears. After my mother's death this was the worst thing ever happen to me!

You know my mom's death meant the death of my childhood and my past. But the death of my dick meant the death of my present and my future! I had nothing! _NOTHING!_

At least I thought I might come over the fact that my mom was gone and heal, but how can you overcome _THIS_?!!!

If it wasn't enough I couldn't even find comfort in the mindless state of sleep. When I finally was able to fall asleep I had nightmares so horrific I wouldn't even wish them my worst enemy. No, I would spare Emil and Brian from having suffering the nightmares I had. These were dreams caused by pack mates inability to keep their lust filled thoughts out of their heads when we were phased. So 'thank you' Geraldine for dreaming of kissing and groping Kyle, 'thank you' bitchy ex-girlfriend for dreaming of fucking Emil, 'thank you' Jackie for dreaming of a moaning and sighing Brian. If my dick just had been in a coma, he sure was beyond any hope of repair after that night.

It was clear who was to blame for all of my problems. The Cullen's. If those leeches hadn't showed up I would still be a _normal _healthy male with functioning organs. I hate those motherfucking parasites, and with good reason.

So to say that I was in a foul mood when I found out that we are to have a meeting with my archenemies, the Cullen's, tonight is an understatement. For some reason we are supposed to protect little clumsy and accident prone Brian from a vicious red-headed vampire called Victor, an ugly fucker who has gone and created himself an army of newborns. Apparently Victor's mate Jamie had an eye for Brian – for my life I can't understand what it is with Brian that draws females to him - and Edwina ended up killing Jamie, which is why Victor now wants to kill Brian as would suit me just fine. That's what happens when you associate with leeches.

Let the Cullen's handle this situation, I say, since they have caused it, but do you think the weregirls listen to reason? Of course not! Girls aren't very logical if you ask me. It's a fact that I have seen proven many times.

Instead of listening to the sharp male logic I offer, they give Jackie advice on how to win Brian back once we have saved him from Victor and his newborn army. Excuse me, haven't they realized that the pathetic little nechrophile's main goal in life is not only to fuck a corpse, but to become one himself! Good riddance!

But since girls, especially weregirls it seems, enjoy playing rescue squad to deranged idiots we have to go and _learn_ how to fight. Apparently the vampires can teach us a trick or two. I seriously doubt it, maybe my dick has failed me, and my boys are dead, but at least I still know how to fight. I don't need some sparkly leeches to show me how to rip a bloodsucker to pieces.

Of course my complaints are not taken into account. Instead I earn myself yet another lecture from Samantha about my attitude problem. _Attitude problem?!_ Just because I voice my opinions instead of following Samantha like a stupid stray puppy with no thought of my own. No-one is keen on being in the close vicinity of the bloodsuckers, but none of the others dares to say anything, of course.

I've managed to skip patrols and keep from phasing for two days, but to get out of this leech rendezvous is clearly not possible. So it is with great dread that I phase to join my pack.

_Taha Aki, great Goddess of wolves, please, please help me! _But since Taha Aki was a woman I'm sure she could care less for my male problem, so I know I have to take fate into my own know, I'm not one to give up easily, to crawl into some hole and simply rot away or just roll over and accept my fucked up destiny hands down. I'm a fighter!

If there is something years of playing football has thought me, it's that offense is the best defense. So instead of struggling and failing in keeping my nose to the ground and my thoughts blank, which I probably would fail miserably, I prepare my attack.

I know exactly what will make them all backtrack from my mind. It's not a nice thing, it's in fact a horrible thing to do, but I'm desperate and desperate times call desperate measures. I'm tired of playing nice, of being fair. Honestly being a nice person has obviously taken me nowhere, and I have to preserve the little dignity I can.

The minute I phase my mind is attacked by the deprave thoughts of Pauline.

"_Hey babe! You sure took off in a hurry the other night" _I hear Pauline's suggestive murmuring accompanied by her thinking of my body like I was a prize bull up for an evaluation.

So not what I want to relive, because that will lead me in the direction of dangerous thoughts.

_Offense, offense! _I remind myself.

"_Wonder who Embrie's mom is?"_ I think loud and clear.

That's a topic that will bother Samantha and what bothers Samantha bothers everyone, she makes sure of that. I hate hurting Embrie, she is such a sweetheart, but it's the only way I can keep my terrible secret safe. _I'm sorry Embrie, I'm sorry. _

We all know the tragic story of Embrie being dumped on the porch of his father's house in a basket when she was only a week old, with no sign of her mother. Everyone suspects it's Samantha's mother, Josephine Uley, since she had disappeared that year and was quite the slut before that always cheating on Samantha's dad with other men. Like mother like daughter! This is something I think is good to remind Samantha of, shuts her fat trap for once and it will mean that no-one will wants to pry deeper into my thoughts. Maybe I can even get Samantha to alpha command and forbid me from thinking all together. That would be good!

Technically Embrie's mom could also be Billie Black or Mrs Ateara, since Embrie is a year older than both Jackie and Quillie, and I do know from listening to the gossip at the supermarket that Billie was at a rehabilitation center due the injury to her legs for six months before she came back and became pregnant with Jackie, and she did return two days after Embrie was dumped on Mr Call's porch. Mrs Ateara works abroad and comes home only once or twice a year, this she has been doing even before Quillie was born. That's why Quillie is raised by her grandmother, so it could also be Mrs Ateara. Of course I think it's neither but just the mere possibility will trouble my pack mates.

I feel how everyone gets upset by my thoughts, starting growling and barking and trying to block my mind out. Good! Mission accomplished.

"No one wants to hear your opinions on anything Lee" Jackie growls in defense for her friend and her mother.

Embrie's thoughts are erratic and I can feel how she finds it hard to breathe. Dammit, she is going to start crying. _I don't want to hurt the little kitten! _Now I feel like such a bastard.

"You are a bastard!" Jackie adds.

Am not! I'm just trying to hold on to the last remains of my pride.

"How could you Lee, that's not like you!" My sister Sandy whines.

"Because he's a jerk!" Jackie snarls.

Better be the bastard than the laughingstock of La Push! Sure it kind of hurts hear Jackie call me a jerk and a bastard. But it's not like she would want me in the state I'm in anyways. Who in their right mind would want me now? That's right, no-one!

"Lee! You are once again acting like an immature idiot. Can you at least do as the favor and keep your thoughts for yourself when we meet the Cullen's. Edwina reads minds you know?!" Samantha commands.

What?! That motherfucking rich bitch is a mindreader too? Go damn! I'm seriously fucked, not only will the weregirls laugh their asses off when they find out, now the cold hearted leeches will ridicule me.

So here I am sitting watching a bloodsucker named Jasmine show us battle techniques trying to think of nothing. _Nothing, nothing... Nothing... nothing on my mind..._ Edwina keeps on giving me weird looks, so I started singing the muffin man song very loudly in my head, but apparently that is not an okay song to sing according to Samantha. Strange for her to command me to stop singing it, she is engaged to the muffin man after all. Shouldn't she love the song?!

Jasmine, a southern belle with scars that put Emil's to shame, and Edwina seem to be the most skilled fighters. For vampires that is. I bet I still could take them, both! This earns a cocked eyebrow from Edwina._ Mindraper! _

I notice how unfairly the vampire coven is organized, just like our pack. It's clear the women are the leaders here, just as in the screwed up pack. What is it with mythological creatures being matriarchal societies?

Our rez has been run by women for generations, actually as far back as our legends can tell and clearly vampires are ruled by women too. That sucks. Where in this world are men treated as equals? Today at least some things have improved, for instance women only have one husband these days, but it's not like all of us haven't heard of Taha Aki, our wolfmother, and her three husbands. The third husband is held as some kind of hero, slicing his own throat to save his tribe. But do you think the women of our tribe have even bothered to remember his name? That's right, of course they haven't, since male's are looked upon as unimportant additions to the tribe, only good for fathering children and giving the woman pleasure, hunting and slaving for her.

So maybe it shouldn't be such a surprise to see that this leech coven is lead by no other than Dr Cullen, Carlie Cullen, who is married to a quiet and meek looking vampire named Ismael. Everyone keep talking about what a great woman Dr Cullen is, but how the hell can it be an act of compassion to turn innocent people into vamps? I would much rather die than becomes a corpse like that.

The third leech woman is Emmy. Now she seems like a cool girl, if she wasn't a vamp. Emmy's kind of hot, for a leech that is, and she seems to have a sense of humor, not to mention the fact that she's the one who nearly rammed into Pauline last week when we hunted Victor on our border, for that alone I think she might be okay. If she wasn't a leech that is.

The other two males are Al and Ross. Ross is your typical jock You know if the circumstances were different I might actually get along with him quite well.

Then we have the other male, Al. Looking at him I finally understand the meaning of the word metrosexual. Even I can recognize how stylish he is. He is at least a head shorter than his southern belle Jasmine, but I guess Scarface there doesn't mind. Al is short and skinny and apparently suffers from visions of some sort. I feel sorry for him, but he seems a little crazy. I know crazy when I see it. Pauline for instance: sex-crazy, just looking at her tells this, you don't need to be in her mind to know that the girl is all about sex.

Recognizing the mad gleam in Al's eyes I know which of the leeches I have to stay the furtherest away from, it's him along with the mindraper, because no way in hell can I let her catch wind of the death of my dick.

_OH NO!_

_FUUUUUUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuck._

I DID NOT THINK THAT OUT LOUD!

_God dammit, fuck, I'm dead! ._

I DID THINK IT OUT LOUD!

Everything has gone still. I'm frozen in horror, my heart hammering like crazy. I'm dead.

The silence interrupted by the bell like voice and evil gleam in rich leech bitch's eyes, "Looks like wolfman here isn't a real man after all!"

I'm going to kill that fucking bitch!

"Stop Lee!" And with the double timbre of the alpha my body goes stock still.

"What a waste of a perfect body" Pauline drawls. "Don't worry Lee, you can still use your tongue and fingers." and then that goddamn bitch starts laughing. Laughing.

I do the only thing possible. I run. With the most miserable howl ever heard in the Olympic Peninsula I charge through the forests. I run and I run and I run. But there is nowhere to run. There is no escaping this.

The shame burns through me and I finally realize that I'm truly in hell now!

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**AN: Poor Lee indeed. He will suffer some more, that's for sure, but don't worry, he'll get a happy ending!**


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 4: DISGRACE**

The weregirls all keep giving me pitying looks and fill their minds with pitiful thoughts, making me furious. I don't need pity! What man with any self-dignity wants pity?! I can't think of any, except my whiny ass cousin Emil and that wimpy fucker Brian who both crave attention all the time, like two spoilt brats.

I know I'm a pain to be around, but I can't bear the humiliation of listening to my packs thoughts about my pathetic sorry miserable fucking existence. wouldn't they be like this too if they were in my situation?

Samantha of course went and reported me being impotent the council. According to her everything that happens to me is a concern for the council, since I am the first male werewolf ever, an anomaly and therefore everything that happens me is of great interest to document for future generations.

This is a fucking private matter! Not something to tell _everyone_, especially not our elders! But it's not like my feelings count. Once again Samantha started yapping about me being childish and told me to 'get over it!'. _Get over it_? Was she insane? How the hell was I going to get over never ever being able to fuck again? That's not something that someone can just get over, just like that, if ever.

Couldn't she just this once put herself in my shoes? How the hell would she feel if someone told her she never would have an other orgasms?! If she never was to have sex again, never was to have kids? If she was labeled a genetic dead-end? And if then this was spread to every member of our tribe?!

But no, it was just me "acting like a hysterical baby". _Fuck you Samantha!_

According to her 'my condition' as she so gracefully - note the sarcasm - had named it, might be the reason I became a werewolf. I was obviously not good enough for the task of fathering the future generation of La Push, so being a wolf was the only solution for me, thus making me unimprintable too. Well, that part I could've figured out on my own, since what poor woman would be punished to be stuck with someone whose dick don't work? Fate would never be that cruel to a _woman_!

Well, life sucks that's for sure. I not only have the most fucked up life ever known, I have to go on and live forever! _Fuck you fate!  
_

So now the elders know that I'm complete failure. The humiliation is never ending! My father, who has taken my mother's spot on the council since her death, doesn't say anything about it, but it's not like I can't detect the disappointment in his eyes. After all, I am a disgrace, not being able to pass on our family name. I'm the death of the Clearwater line.

No wonder he invited Emil to his coming hunting trip. Not that Emil knows how to hunt, and he'll probably cry if he sees a deer being shot, he is a vegetarian after all, but that tells what my old man thinks of my potential as a man. He prefers a vegetarian instead of me – his own son as his hunting partner! Sure, he did ask me to join them, but he asked Emil first, and I bet he just asked me out of pity.

My father being a counselor at the hospital managed to get a recipe for Viagra for me. To say I was humiliated when he came home with those pills is the understatement of the century. But of course I tried them. With my wolf metabolism we need ten times bigger portions to get full or five bottles of booze to get wasted, so I popped the entire package of pills and studied some great magazines such as the Sports illustrated swimsuit issue, hoping to be cured. But _NOTHING!_

My life sucks and then sucks some more.

I have nothing to look forward to. I'm doomed to this miserable existence forever, not allowed to leave the rez, to have to listen to my ex-girlfriends thoughts in my head all the time, being pitied and humiliated daily and now I can't even find any release in my life since my dick doesn't work!

Sucks to be me!

With my life being total shit the only thing I have to look forward to was this day when we finally were going to fight against the red-headed leech Victor and his army of newborns. This was my _LAST _chance to prove myself as a _MAN!_ Maybe I'm no longer a man according to the girls and according to my dick, but I'm going to damn well show that I still could _fight like a man_. I was going to slaughter me some leeches, I was going to show Samantha and all the other weregirls that I was a warrior despite my limp organ, that I was still much more of a man than Brian.

Brian, that selfish weakling needed Edwina by his side constantly. This meant that Edwina, one of the best fighters of the vampires was not where she was needed the most. Not that we _needed_ her, and I sure could live without seeing her ever again. God I hated her after she outed me to the other leeches and Brian. It was just that Brian's dependence and weakness was getting on my nerves. Even my little sister had more balls than Brian, but letting Sandy watch him was not enough for Brian. But I was glad that Sandy wasn't anywhere near the battlefield. I didn't have to worry about her and could concentrate on killing as many leeches as possible.

* * *

They were here! The horrific smell made my nose burn, adrenaline was surging through me, making me feel alive, almost _good _as we lunged forward, to bite, rip, tear, kill. It felt like game night, with Samantha and Jackie as our team captains.

"_Bite!" "From the left" "Surround him!" _They barked orders, co-ordinating our attacks, and soon enough it was clear that we were the winning team. Now if only I could get my chance to score a touchdown.

Then, there it was. My chance to prove myself! There was one fucker trying to run away. Samantha had preached on and on about us taking the leeches together as a pack. _Fuck that! _I could take one on my own! I knew I could do it! I charged after the blood-sucker, and being the fastest in the pack I knew this motherfucker couldn't get away from me. Samantha was busy directing the rest so she didn't notice my disappearance.

When the newborn realized it couldn't escape me, it spun around, crouching, readying it self for battle. I lunged with only one thought whirling in my head: _Kill, kill, kill._

Snarls and growls filled the air. My teeth sinking in the newborns side, tearing. It was going down! Suddenly an excruciating pain surged through me. Shit! That motherfucker had managed to catch me in a vice grip around my neck. I felt my mind go dizzy as the leech pressed my windpipes. I tried to wriggle loose, to claw, to do something, anything, but I managed nothing. Nothing! _Fuck!_

Red spots danced behind my eye-lids, darkness threatening to swallow me. _I was worthless, and now I was going to get a meaningless death. _

Somewhere in the last remains of consciousness I could hear my packmates frantic thoughts, Samantha's cursing, my little sisters agonized howl, but they were all too far away. I had ventured too far off. There was no way they could reach me in time. _I was going to die._

Then there was a determined mind, someone pushing faster, a true hero coming for me. For me!

_I'm not worth it. _My mind thought as I wanted to give in, give up, sink in to the nothingness, to the nothing that I was.

"_Fuck you Lee, you're not giving up you idiot!"_ someone's mind ordered me.

I wasn't? Why not? I was a useless, I couldn't even take one leech.

"_You aren't worthless, you moron! Dammit Lee! Fight! I won't let you die!"_

Was it Taha Aki? I didn't care who it was, all I knew was that the voice in my head was wonderful and sweet and didn't hate me, it wanted me to live. Someone wanted me to live! I found the strength to try to fight. I wanted to listen to that voice some more, I wanted to do as the beautiful voice told me.

A glorious growl filled the clearing. Hazily I saw a russet force come sailing towards me. My savior! The newborn released its grip around my throat dodging the new threat, leaving me panting and crushed against the ground, unable to move, trying to _breathe, breathe, breathe _as my eyes slowly became able focus again. A beautiful russet wolf was attacking the newborn furiously. Jackie!

"_Jackie, watch out!"_

Both Jackie and the newborn slammed into a tree, Jackie' entire side crushed. I could feel the agonizing pain rippling through her. I tried to get up, I needed to help her, but couldn't move. I was still too dizzy, too weak. I crawled towards her, forcing myself forward.

_I'm coming Jackie. Hang in there. I'll help you._

Jackie had a fierce grip around the now unmoving newborns throat, not releasing despite the excruciating pain she was in. With a sudden hard jerk of her head she managed to snatch the leeches ugly head off.

At that moment the pack was there, Pauline and Geraldine starting a fire and dragging the leech into the flames. Embrie and Quillie were coaxing Jackie to phase back.

"Lee! Can't you do anything right? Look what you have done to Jackie! You almost got her killed!Get it into your head, you are no Superman!" Samantha yelled as she pulled on her sun dress, halting in front of me. "Why can't you do as you are told?!" Her eyes were furious and hard as she glared at me, running her hands roughly over my furry form, checking for injuries. When she didn't find any serious ones she turned around. Part of me wished she would at least have pretended to care enough to ask how I was feeling, that she would've said something kind, comforting. I was pathetic, I was. Obviously she didn't care at all, since she didn't give me another glance as she barked orders to the others about carrying Jackie home to Billie. I wasn't worth it, worth caring for.

I almost couldn't hold back the whine as I saw my packmates lift Jackie up and heard her wince in pain. I had never felt so bad in my life.

Then they were gone, and I was alone on the forest floor, staring up at the sky and the invisible merciless gods and spirits that dwelled there.

I felt hot tears prickle behind my eye lids. I was such a failure. I couldn't even fight. A girl had to come and rescue me and she was hurt because of me. I was a disgrace. It was my fault Jackie was hurt. What if she had died? I could never live with myself if she had died, I barely could live with the knowledge that she was badly injured because of me. Maybe it would've been better if she had let me to die, if she hadn't saved me?

Slowly I staggered to my feet, phasing back.

"Lee! Lee!" Someone desperately called. Sandy. "Are you alright Lee?" she stuttered tears rimming her eyes as she flew forward throwing her arms around me. "I was so scared for you Lee, never do that again!"she sobbed. "i don't no waht i would do if you were hurt Lee. I love you."

At least someone still loved me, even if I was a disgrace. I still had my sister, and yes maybe I was a failure, but I was going to make sure that she was safe and happy. That would be the thing that I lived for, since there was nothing else for me to hang on to.

* * *

**AN: Yes poor Lee is feeling sorry for himself...**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: It has been forever since I updated this fic. Here's the new chapter of the sufferings of Lee Clearwater, the only male shapeshifter ever known.**

**Read and review.**

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**Chapter 5**

The Black house is buzzing with life. The entire pack is there, Billie of course and to my surprise Charlene. Dr Cullen is leaving. I could tell that Billie wasn't too happy about having to let her in to the house and on to the rez at all, but it wasn't like she could've taken Jackie to a normal doctor either with her supernatural healing capacity and all.

Jackie was alright, she was healing. Thank you Taha Aki. I feel so relived that tears spring to my eyes, but I quickly wipe them away so no one would see me, Lee Clearwater, crying. There's no need to let the she-wolves get any more reasons to consider me the weak link of the pack. If there's one thing my father Sully has thought me it's that real men, especially Quileute men, don't cry. But then again, I doubt I'm considered a real Quileute man any longer.

I could as well start wearing a dress and heels I guess, since I've already lost my masculinity. It's not like the pack-girls haven't told me that my shifting would be much quicker if I was wearing a sun-dress or a sarong like them, instead of bothering with unzipping my cut-offs and thus waisting time. They're bitches like that.

"Billie, I can't for my life understand how you can allow your daughter ride a motorcycle. When I found out that Brian owned one I grounded him immediately. I've seen what motorcycles can do in my line of work! " Charlene scolds Billie. Billie just gives her an easy smile in return, the kind of smile all the Black children had inherited. A smile I loved seeing on Jackie's face, but rarely was there these days due to that idiot Brian and him treating Jackie like a door mat. I truly hate Brian Swan. How could a nice woman like Charlene have such a screw-up as a son?

"Lee! You're not needed here. Go home!" Samantha's voice interrupts my inner Brian-hating.

I need to see how Jackie was with my own eyes. I want to thank Jackie for saving my life. I want to go to her, to hold her hand, stroke her hair, be there for her. But no, Samantha orders me to go home, that bitch! But she won't let me just leave either, first she has to lecture me again about my superhero complex and inability to follow orders. I've heard it all before, and now is not the time to tell me this once again. I can barely control the my shaking, but then again Sam might just love if I lost control at the Black's, that would be yet another thing she could add to my list of shortcomings.

Thank god Billie comes to save me, she gives me a non-pitying grin and tells me not to worry, and even invites me to come back the next day, which I definitely intended on doing. At least there's one woman in this world who doesn't hate me.

I lie awake all night long thinking about Jackie and her being hurt both physically, which was my fault and emotionally, which was Brian Swan's fault. I'm gonna do my best to take away the hurt from her. I'm gonna be there for her, whether she wants me or not.

* ~* ~* ~*

When morning comes I rush to the Black's but Jackie is already up and has gone out, apparently she's completely healed. Thank you Taha Aki! Thank you! I head towards the cliffs where I know I'll find Jackie.

As I approach I can tell that she's been crying although she tries not to show it. It makes me literally sick to think of pathetic Brian Swan making Jackie, the wonderful strong force of nature cry. That motherfucker doesn't deserve any tears from Jackie, or anyone else for that matter.

I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her that everything will be alright. _It's alright baby. I'm here for you_, I want to say and show her that I never ever would hurt her like that.

"Jackie" I start, putting my hand on her shoulder, wanting to pull her in my arms. She shrugs my hand off angrily, looking annoyed that I've showed up.

"What the fuck do you want?!" She croaks out rough and hostile.

"Brian's a not worth it. If he wants to be a corpse, let him become one! He's not worth your tears, he's a selfish pathetic little motherfucker...." I start saying, but am cut off by Jackie's angry glare.

"Shut up!"

I don't know if it's the rejection I feel of her shaking my hand off, her tone of voice or everything I've kept bottled up that makes the words coming out of my mouth harsh and mean, not at all what I want to say, not what I intended to say, "Fuck, you need to stop dreaming about him. I get this gender confusion thing, last night _I_ was dreaming of kissing Brian. No wonder I'm impotent!" I bark out roughly.

"Fuck you Lee! It's always about you, selfish bastard! You're one to talk about gender confusion. It's bad enough for Emil to have put up with you panting after Samantha, he don't need the rest of the pack panting after her as well."

Low blow. And it's not even true. I don't pant after Samantha any longer. There's someone else I pant after. Truthfully, even if Samantha did want me back I don't want her. I want Jackie. But I'm not dumb enough to think I can have her, with my unfortunate condition and all. For all I know Jackie will probably imprint on some little undeserving fucker who gets to be showered in her love and affection. A fuckin' depressing thought.

I spit to get the bile that I taste in my mouth out as I hear her words and also realize that instead of thanking her and comforting her I've managed to hurt her feelings and that I can never be the one for her, that some day she'll imprint just like the rest of the girls.

"Ha! You missed!" She yells.

What?! Did she think I was aiming at her? Is she crazy? Why would I ever try to spit at her? I feel so hurt by her false assumption and also enraged with myself for once again not being able to reach out to Jackie, that I feel myself start shaking uncontrollably. The red blaze is already creeping up my spine and then I explode and have to push my furry ass away from her. I start sprinting away but I'm on my paws, running, running, running.

I'm such an idiot.

Then she is gone. Somewhere off to Canada, and I can't help but feel that I'm responsible for that. And according to the rest of the pack I am to blame for her leave of absence. They all claim my words were the once that pushed her over the edge. Man, I feel so bad.

I suggest that I'll go and try to fetch her, but Samantha only laughs condescendingly at my suggestion, snorting and telling me it's the dumbest idea she's ever heard of. That me going after Jackie would be like lighting a match at a gas station. _Fuckin' bitch!_

So with nothing else to do I keep on wallowing in misery and self-pity, waiting for Remus to come for his visit. At least I can bitch about Samantha and Emil to him, although I won't be able to tell about the real reason for their fucked up behavior. But I look orward to getting shit-faced drunk together with him without any wicked she-wolves in sight.

Remus will probably ask me about my future plans and that's one conversation I'm not looking forward to, it's not like that football scholarship will ever happen now, so that might be enough to explain why I'm pretty much stuck to the rez. But then to explain why his sister has gone AWOL might be a bit more difficult. Don't know how Billie plans on playing that out for Remus. I know for a fact that Remus will want to start a search party immediately when he sees that she is M.I.A. and I revel in that thought because I sure as hell am going to encourage it.

Suddenly the future seems a little brighter especially since it involves a) a mission of bringing Jackie back, b) male-bonding on a road-trip with Remus to bring Jackie back, c) no evil pack ordering me around on mine and Remus's road-trip bringing Jackie back d) Jackie being back.

* ~* ~* ~*

Did I tell that my life sucked? Man, it sucks. Big time.

Of course none of my plans ever work out since fate hates me. Why you might ask? Clearly because I'm a man, that's why, and Fate and Destiny are both men-hating females.

Remus hasn't so much as been back for more than 10 seconds, before my bro, my man, my only ally is taken away from me like everything else is taken away from me.

By what one might ask. What do you think? Imprinting of course.

And by who? Pauline! Of course Pauline, who else than the female reincarnation of the devil.

The sex-crazed bitch casts one look at my man Remus as he steps out of his car and then flings herself at him, ripping his clothes off, grinding herself against him in such a manner I have to pour bleach in my eyes, and still that won't help to get the horrific image out of my head.

Remus that poor unsuspecting male, gets all excited and spends the next three weeks in his bedroom fucking Pauline senseless. Or more likely it's the other way around, Pauline fucking him senseless. Did I say in his bedroom? I wish we were that lucky. Unfortunately Pauline seems to think it's a great idea to christen every corner of the forests, the beach and every building on the rez with Remus. Here I had thought Remus was the smart one, the one able to use his head, Mr full-scholarship and all, but apparently it is true male's are the weaker sex and women are quick to exploit that fact, since the only head working is the one between our legs - for every other male except me. Poor Remus don't stand a chance.

There goes my grand plans of male bonding and of bringing Jackie back.

Guess who had to fill in on all the patrols Pauline missed while fucking with Remus? Yeah, that's right! Who else but me. I was already running Jackie's patrols as a punishment for my "idiotic stunt" fighting the leeches. So now I was not only running triple patrols but also had to watch a former proud man become a sex slave, clearly under the influence of the evil spells conjured by the wicked werebitch Pauline.

And I did so not need to know what those two were up to, but did Pauline have enough sense to keep their sinful games behind locked doors? No! More than once did I run into them, Remus handcuffed to a tree groaning and grunting about how sexy Pauline was, begging her for more, telling her that he would do whatever she wanted and Pauline dressed in full domme outfit. If that wasn't sick enough Pauline thought it sexy to re-enact the story of the little red riding hood, dressing Remus in a red cape carrying a basket on his arms as he skipped along the trail in the woods where Pauline waited as his big bad she-wolf.

I'm scarred for life by Pauline's sick games with Remus, and had I not already been impotent I would've become that after the misfortune of having to smell, hear and see them at it. I'm truly cursed.

I did I feel sorry for Remus to get stuck with Pauline, but that poor idiot acted like he had won the jackpot. I mean, it's _Pauline_. She's evil!

"Man, Pauline is fuckin' amazing" Remus tells me one night he actually managed to leave Pauline's side. "She's wild! You won't believe the things she does. Dude, I've never had sex like this before. Dammit, I'm gonna quit college and come back here. College isn't all that. No way in hell that I'm gonna give up on the best sex in my life!"

Dude, he was seriously giving up everything to become Pauline's chew toy. Man, that's sad. And sick!

And then as an afterthought Remus adds, "Sorry man, I forgot." and then I know that Pauline has gone and told him about my little "problem". I might as well wear a fuckin' tattoo that says IMPOTENT on my forehead.

This mythological bullshit is clearly deluding everybody's minds, even the sane ones like Remus. Thank god Romulus is off to Hawaii, that might be the only thing that saves him. Otherwise he probably would be imprinted on by one of the little brats, Colleen or Brenda, or both, and he would be stuck here too thinking it's the best thing ever happened to him.

The imprint couples make me sick to my stomach. Samantha and Emil. Geraldine and Kyle, then the sickest of them all Quillie and Emily's three year old nephew Clarence. And now Pauline and Remus.

Man, what I wouldn't give to get away from this shit hole.

I fuckin' hate my life.


End file.
